Thanks, Maryland Court of Appeals!

Ideally, every state should be this way – but somehow I think that’s a lofty hope.

Yeah, I still don’t feel like making a legitimate post.

~D

Instead, I shall devote this post to some cool pictures….

Perspective art is pretty cool. Now, for some photography -

Photos!

Yeah, that’s about it. See you tomorrow.

Maybe.

D

Yes, candy wrappers. One of these dumbasses actually left a trail of discarded Reese’s cup wrappers leading from the backyard of a house he broke into to his/his accomplice’s front porch. What IQ range do you have to be in to not realize this crap? I can’t decide if this or snow is worse. I really can’t.

Anyways, the news story says “Three of the teens face armed burglary charges, and two others face charges of resisting arrest without violence and tampering with evidence.” I’m not certain what armament they were packing, but I guess that’s just poor reporting. What strikes me as more interesting, though, is the lack of a littering charge.

Now, thanks to the overpowering amount of idiocy coming out of Florida, a lot of the other highly moronic states get pushed aside. Today, however, we have a story hailing from the wonderful land of Jersey, home to….well, all sorts of unpleasant things. Anywho, apparently some residents of this wonderful land have yet to figure out, despite recent news exposures, that plane crashes are not fun. In 2004, some dumbass named David Banach decided it was a great idea to point a high-powered laser pointer at planes and helicopters as they flew towards Newark. After 5 years of plotting, some ingenious Jersey residents figured out how to one-up Mr Banach. By tying red flares to balloons and releasing them into the air along air traffic routes. I swear, what possesses these people to think this is a smart idea? Not only is interfering with aviation a felony, you’re potentially endangering a large number of lives. Especially since I’m pretty sure none of these planes are being piloted by our good pal Sully Sullenberger. Morons like this need to be beaten. A 9-iron to the shins would do wonders, I think.

The last “are you fucking retarded?” story of the day comes from quiet Colorado, a state that has a comparatively low ratio of dumbassery. This story involves one Ryan Hayes, who claims that his neighbor’s dog (a Jack Russell) shot itself in the head with a .357 handgun, which I assume was a revolver. Hayes, who was apparently drunk at the time, has given several (all suspect) explanations of how his neighbor’s dog managed to shoot itself directly between the eyes with his gun. The original story he gave was that he had the gun in his hand when the dog followed him into the room and accidentally fired while turning towards the dog, which naturally resulted in an accidental dead-between-the-eyes shot. Another story is that the dog shot itself while playing with the gun, which conveniently happened to be lying on the bedroom floor. Apparently realizing that this was an even dumber story than before, he switched it up to add how the gun discharged as he valiantly tried to wrestle it away – apparently by gripping the trigger and wrestling it away. Whoops, it fired! Idiot.

I shouldn’t let his appearance influence my judgment so much, but look at the guy’s picture. It practically screams “guilty”, in addition to other things – like “drunkard hick” and “tool.” I hope he gets locked up – partly for being a dog-killing douchebag, but also for coming up with such retardedly ludicrous explanations.

~ D

Chance of post today: Low.

That is all.

~ D

Apparently since their little bundle of joy has showed up, another two teenage boys (one 14, one 16) have stepped up to say they were also banging little Alfie’s girl. Granted, she and her family say they’re full of shit, but maybe she just didn’t want to hurt his feelings because he couldn’t satisfy her, or some such nonsense. Crazy 15 year old British girls. Anyways, one of them swears he has a resemblance to the kid, and that he had a three month relationship with the girl. Plausible. The other has said (quote): “I slept with Chantelle in her bed about nine months ago and I’m really worried I could be the father.” He sounds like an attention-whoring tard, so I’d rule him out.

I’m not sure why, if you knocked up your teenage girlfriend, you’d be in a rush to claim the kid… other than your 15 minutes of being featured in Britain’s tabloid trash.

Some TV exec needs to get cracking on Maury Povich’s UK Adventure, quickly. We need an unexpected father so this garbage can stay in the news for a few more days, right?

However, United Kingdom, you’re being handed a chance to redeem yourselves on a silver platter. Fred Phelps and Co are apparently planning their first British holiday as well, so they can do some good old-fashioned American protestin’ across the pond. Quick note to the British – when they say “fags” they mean homosexuals, not cigarettes. Just thought you should know. Anyways, the Phelps clan is apparently unaware that Britain is a hell of a lot less accomodating of hatemongering fucktards than the U.S. of A, which may work out in our favor (sorry, favour). If we’re lucky, the Brits will throw their loony asses into prison (preferably not the luxury variety) where karmic retribution only prison can provide will take place. At which point the US Embassy should turn a blind eye (nobody wants these assholes in America, anyways) while the rest of us laugh and ask “So where’s your God NOW, Fred?”

So, UK, I’m offering you a clean slate after all your recent idiocy. All you have to do is appropriately deal with the Westboro Baptist nutjobs. Deal, or no deal?

However, today we also have idiocy of the American variety too. Everybody’s favorite political pundit, Bill O’Reilly (Papa Bear, in the words of Colbert) made a joke at the expense of Helen Thomas after she asked a question at the first presidential press conference. Now, by joke, I mean full-out mocking session, calling her the “wicked witch” and doing a rather classy impersonation of her.

Continuing his class act, when the shit hit the fan he tried to lie his way out of the situation. Except for the part where, you know, they had audio and video of him saying it. Dumbass. His most recent moronic attempt to vindicate himself involves quoting a poll asking whether or not he should apologise – the results of which were 93 to 7 percent, in his favor. That’s great, Bill, but next time try polling somewhere other than your own website, huh? I can’t decide if the voters were his cult following, or people who voted for shits and giggles to see what this imbecile would do next.

Bill, go fuck yourself. You’re not relevant, and nobody who matters gives a shit what you think.

~ D

But I swear, some of the laws there are worse than those you’d find here. Now, I’m usually one to give law enforcement the benefit of the doubt, unless they’re done something absolutely moronic (which happens with alarming frequency, these days). The newest thing in the jolly old United Kingdom is that it’s illegal to photograph police officers. Yes, illegal. The canned response the police are handing out is that it’s an anti-terrorism measure. Which, to be sure, is probably part of the reason for it. I understand the need for this sort of thing more than most. But I can’t help but feel like that’s not necessarily what it’ll be used for. As everyone knows, not all of our friends in the world of law enforcement are good people.

To quote The Departed: “Do you want to be a cop, or do you want to appear to be a cop?” There are a fairly high number of cases where dirty cops have gotten nailed because they were caught on film. Now, in the UK, that’s illegal. Civil rights? No?

But then again, getting tossed into prison may not be such a bad thing. One of the UK’s convicts (in for murder) has informed us, via Facebook, no less, that doing time is like a holiday. He said, verbatim, in one of his posts – “HMP Holiday’s a place where men can come for a nice relaxin break from their moanin women and crying kids. No stress just rest.” He and Bradley Nowell would have had some things to agree on, apparently. One of his buds even commented that he could do with a stint in the resort prison also. Fun times.

This sort of story has come out in places other than the UK, though. Another nation (which one slips my mind) caught flak about a year ago for building a “luxury prison.” Luxury. Fucking. Prison. No more capital punishment and luxury prison cells – where the fuck’s the deterrent for criminal behaviour? I think I need a free holiday. Anyone else want to come?

Hell, the Brits are implementing something next year called the Body Orifice Security Scanner, so you can go to prison without the indignity of a cavity search, too.

To round out our… trifecta, if you will, of “Wow the UK is fucked up” we have the hardcore football fans. No, not soccer. Shut the hell up. Anyways, apparently after a bit of a spat, a pair of jackass Liverpool fans (nothing good ever came out of Liverpool, anyways. Yes, I’m including The Beatles in that blanket statement. You’ll get over it.) decided to chuck a ManU fan into a pool, busting one of his ribs and breaking his ankle. Now, this is relatively mild for European football (you should see the Germans) but they weren’t done yet. Instead, they fabricated a woman on Facebook, and had him drive 400 miles to find him, having him send humiliating photos along the way. Among these was apparently some of him sucking on a dildo. Wacky Brits. Anyways, when he got there they sprang it on him, and posted all the phone calls and pictures and whatnot to the internet, spawning news stories and notifying his wife, who subsequently left him.

Now here’s where I have this debate with myself about whether or not this is real. Football fans are crazy, to be sure, but the last lines of this article seem to be a bit of a tip off -

Last night, the father-of-one, a building labourer, said: “There’s no doubt I’ve been done good and proper by the lads from Liverpool.

“It was cruel, but I’ll hold my hands up and say they really wound me up.”

Now, I know the sense of humour over there is a bit odd (See: Eddie Izzard, Monty Python, etc) but this seems like a bit much. Roughing you up and ruining your life would NOT prompt a “oh, you guys got me GOOD!” reaction. Seriously, now. I wonder what the over/under is on how long before this comes out as a hoax?

~ D

So anyways, for some reason people continue to think that meeting/dating random people from the internet is a smart idea. There’s a funny thing about the internet – there’s no effective way to be sure what’s on your screen is what you’ll get in person. A German woman who apparently flew to New Zealand for an internet date found this out firsthand this past Saturday, when she decided to meet up with someone she had struck a tentative friendship with. Apparently red flags went up as soon as she met him, with his personal circumstances being… less appealing than she had been led to believe. Whoops, there goes that lack of effective verification thing again. Go figure. Ladies, did I mention that I’m single and independently wealthy? Come meet me and we’ll go for a ride in my Ferrari.

Anyways, internet woman failed to meet her friends at the specified time after this get together, so they sent the police to the address they were supplied. But she wasn’t there, so they sent in the big guns – the Armed Offenders Squad – presumably their variation of SWAT. She showed up after a number of hours and was “rescued” (the man didn’t do anything, he was apparently just a dumbass). I’d wager he’s not getting a second date. Hell, he’ll probably get de-friended at this point. Whoops.

On another quick note, apparently Peanut Corp of America has filed for Chapter 7 bankruptcy. Colour me surprised. It kind of bothers me, because now an unspecified number of people are out of a job because the owner of the company is a complete douchebag. If he doesn’t get some sort of jail time, I hope somebody wounds him. Severely.

~ D

As always, thanks for reading.

~ D

Writer’s block! Hurray!

Normally, one would think that protecting their home with a security system is a very good idea. Especially those security systems that notify law enforcement personnel when your house is broken into. Of course, there is always exceptions for such rules, as an unidentified man in Indiana is going to find very shortly. News flash: If you’re growing and processing marijuana (illegal, dumbass) in your residence, it just might not be a great idea to have anything that will bring the police to your door. Ever. Granted, this time it was blindly bad luck (wind blew a door open), but it’s the point -if there’s any chance of this thing getting set off, you might not want contraband in the house.

If you read last Friday’s Diatribe, you’ll know how I feel about the ridiculous marijuana laws in this country, but that’s entirely beside the point. They may be stupid, but you’re still going to be shit out of luck when a state trooper walks into your house because you were too dumb to realize that police + pot = arrested.

Our next story comes to us from Lake Forest, Illinois. Apparently in Lake Forest, things work like this:

1. Drink while underage with friends

2. Get into car with drunk friend driving

3. Get into accident. (Paralysis optional, but apparently helpful)

4. Sue not the driver, but the person whose home you drank in.

5. Profit!

Following this easy 5 step plan, you too can make 2.5 million dollars. That’s right! You’re not at all responsible for A) not being shitfaced when going home or B) not getting into a car with a drunk driver. Taking responsibility for one’s own actions is something that’s dying in America. Somebody took a golf club to the head of Mr. Personal Responsibility, and everyone else just followed along. Because hey, it benefits them too, right? I try to give my generation the benefit of the doubt, but I swear, they all prove more and more unworthy. I can’t stand it. America’s screwed up enough as it is, and this shit isn’t helping.

So, were you surprised to hear that a large amount of Peanut Corp. of America’s products were riddled with salmonella? Well, apparently Stewart Parnell, the company’s owner, was not. In an internal e-mail, he was recorded telling his plant manager to “turn them loose.” This may have started in 2006. That’s THREE YEARS of salmonella-ridden products hitting the market. Just like a stereotypical corporate scumbag, this shithead was too worried about his bottom line to even consider the safety of the consumer. To quote:

“The time lapse, beside the cost is costing us huge $$$$$ and causing obviously a huge lapse in time from the time we pick up peanuts until the time we can invoice.”

So, ship them out anyways. Well, now you’re screwed, because at least 600 people have been made ill. But that’s not all, Stewie – you’re potentially the cause of NINE deaths. Given that this was premeditated, in my eyes, that’s nine murders. Luckily for you, since you’re a corporate owner and this is America, you won’t be judged that way, but you damn well should be. You know who else kills nine people? Serial murderers. Rot in hell, asshole.

To top it off, while on trial, he plead the 5th amendment to effectively everything he was asked. Guilty. Book it.

~ D

Very clever. Hats off to the creator.

Edit:

So, apparently Octuplet Mom has put up a website requesting donations of money and/or items. First the publicist, now the Paypal, but no, she’s not in it for the money. Of course not.