It seems like the majority of all failure in the past few days ties back to Britain. I assume most people with access to the internet have heard of this Alfie kid, who has already managed at the age of thirteen (so, for those of us in the US, approximately 7th grade) to knock up his fifteen year old girlfriend. If I were to go into the entire multitude of things inherently wrong with this story we’d be here all night, so I’m going to skip ahead to the most recent development.
Apparently since their little bundle of joy has showed up, another two teenage boys (one 14, one 16) have stepped up to say they were also banging little Alfie’s girl. Granted, she and her family say they’re full of shit, but maybe she just didn’t want to hurt his feelings because he couldn’t satisfy her, or some such nonsense. Crazy 15 year old British girls. Anyways, one of them swears he has a resemblance to the kid, and that he had a three month relationship with the girl. Plausible. The other has said (quote): “I slept with Chantelle in her bed about nine months ago and I’m really worried I could be the father.” He sounds like an attention-whoring tard, so I’d rule him out.
I’m not sure why, if you knocked up your teenage girlfriend, you’d be in a rush to claim the kid… other than your 15 minutes of being featured in Britain’s tabloid trash.
Some TV exec needs to get cracking on Maury Povich’s UK Adventure, quickly. We need an unexpected father so this garbage can stay in the news for a few more days, right?
However, United Kingdom, you’re being handed a chance to redeem yourselves on a silver platter. Fred Phelps and Co are apparently planning their first British holiday as well, so they can do some good old-fashioned American protestin’ across the pond. Quick note to the British – when they say “fags” they mean homosexuals, not cigarettes. Just thought you should know. Anyways, the Phelps clan is apparently unaware that Britain is a hell of a lot less accomodating of hatemongering fucktards than the U.S. of A, which may work out in our favor (sorry, favour). If we’re lucky, the Brits will throw their loony asses into prison (preferably not the luxury variety) where karmic retribution only prison can provide will take place. At which point the US Embassy should turn a blind eye (nobody wants these assholes in America, anyways) while the rest of us laugh and ask “So where’s your God NOW, Fred?”
So, UK, I’m offering you a clean slate after all your recent idiocy. All you have to do is appropriately deal with the Westboro Baptist nutjobs. Deal, or no deal?
However, today we also have idiocy of the American variety too. Everybody’s favorite political pundit, Bill O’Reilly (Papa Bear, in the words of Colbert) made a joke at the expense of Helen Thomas after she asked a question at the first presidential press conference. Now, by joke, I mean full-out mocking session, calling her the “wicked witch” and doing a rather classy impersonation of her.
Continuing his class act, when the shit hit the fan he tried to lie his way out of the situation. Except for the part where, you know, they had audio and video of him saying it. Dumbass. His most recent moronic attempt to vindicate himself involves quoting a poll asking whether or not he should apologise – the results of which were 93 to 7 percent, in his favor. That’s great, Bill, but next time try polling somewhere other than your own website, huh? I can’t decide if the voters were his cult following, or people who voted for shits and giggles to see what this imbecile would do next.
Bill, go fuck yourself. You’re not relevant, and nobody who matters gives a shit what you think.
~ D
